What on earth is happening in our dating world?
Is humanity becoming John Calhoun’s mouse utopia? The experiment he performed to test the stress of the soon-to-be limited space on planet earth.
The study concluded that when all available space is taken and all social roles are filled, competition and stress experienced by the individuals will result in a total breakdown in complex social behaviors. The study showed that females ceased to reproduce. Males withdrew completely, refusing to engage in courtship or fighting. They eat, drink, sleep and groom themselves – all solitary pursuits.
The relations between men and women have never been so fraught with anxiety and misunderstanding. The concept of society breaking down seems to be leading ordinary men and women to be driven into separate (but equal) misery.
Seriously though. Let’s hop on a plane and head to Japan where the government is spending $30 million to pay men and women to get together. 1 It’s like speed dating, but it’s all paid for by the government.
In Modern Romance 2 by Aziz Ansari, stated that 60% of Japan men who are single in their twenties and thirties identify themselves as herbivores – very shy, passive, and show no interest in sex and romantic relationships.3
In a focus group, the men explained that they were too busy working to get a relationship. “I’m busy with work and it’s not very urgent. I have to deal with work first, and that takes up my weekdays. I play video games when I go home. On the weekends I hang out with Daisaku (best friend) and we go out drinking.”
That sounds normal, even in America. Work is priority before going out to drink and meet women. But meeting women you don’t know is considered Charai (sleazy in a playboy way).
One guy in the focus group said he would only ask a woman out if it was clear without a doubt that she was interested, just because of the thought of rejection. So the culture replaces relationships with Eggs (masturbation toys for men), prostitutes and Soapland, a land where women lather a man in soap and slide all over him.
It’s Super Soapy!
But this isn’t just an issue in Japan. Social anxiety, rejection sensitivity and 100 unanswered tinder matches are the new norm.
Every human being is scared of being judged, of getting hurt and rejected. I am. I’ve been cheated on and heartbroken a few times. It’s worse than hearing something funny while you’re drinking a IPA. You know… when the bitterest beer out there comes bursting out your nose.
The point is, there is a lot of misunderstanding.
Women Fear Rejecting Men
This misunderstanding leads to a common misconception among guys, particularly guys who get rejected often. They build up the courage to ask a girl out and then get rejected. Pretty soon they start to feel like women take pleasure in it.
This is false; women don’t like having to reject men explicitly. There is nothing gratifying or ego-boosting about it for them. In fact, it scares them.
When a man interacts with a woman, he fears sexual rejection and humiliation. This is why men spend so much time and energy on defensive strategies or tactics (pickup lines) to protect themselves against rejection.
But women are entirely different. When a woman interacts with a man, she isn’t scared of rejection. Rather, she is afraid of being sexually assaulted or physically beaten.
I have a hunch that if you’re reading this, you’ve never hurt a woman in your life and never would. Women and I both appreciate you.
But the misunderstanding when you approach or meet a woman for the first (or even few times) is that SHE doesn’t know that. The biggest threat to her is the men she knows.
“The majority of women that suffer from physical or sexual assault suffer it at the hands of a man they know intimately.” 4 Not to mention a man can spread lies about her or damage her reputation with men and women, just by being associated with her.
She’s afraid of stalkers, rapist, creeps, weirdos, crazies, and losers.
Imagine for the next minute that you are a young, attractive woman.
Yes, you can feel your boobs.
Back to the thought experiment.
You spend two hours getting ready and go out with one of your friends on a Friday night to let loose and dance after a long week. You head to one of the local clubs that you’ve heard has a lot of sexy men.
You walk into the club and are overwhelmed by the sea of men. You can feel their eyes gravitate towards you. They are as big and fast as an NFL running back, as tall as an NBA player and as sexually aggressive as a felon who just got out of jail.
Any one of them can grab you; toss you over their shoulder, and carry you out to god knows where. There is little you can do to stop them. To them, you’re just a piece of steak sitting on their dinner plate, waiting for them to consume it.
How would you feel?
Scared, nervous, worried, vulnerable? But you’re also a woman, so you kind of like being desired. It might even make you feel a little excited.
There is a big difference between the size and physical strength between a man and a woman.
|Trait||Average American Woman||Average American Man||Difference|
|Height||5’4″||5’9″||5 inches taller|
|Weight||166 lbs||196 lbs||30 lbs heavier|
|Body Fat||24%||18%||6% less|
Not to mention the average man has twice the upper-body strength to pick her up and twice the grip strength to hold her down. To an average woman, she is as physically vulnerable to a man as a big guy who is 6’ tall and 190 pound 9 lbs is to the average NFL lineman (6’5”, 310 pounds).
Most of the time women spend a big proportion of their time dealing with the crazies, the aggressive and controlling men. Her experiences in the bars, grocery stores or wherever else she wonders is that the worst guys come right up to her while the best guys are nowhere to be seen.
To women, your face and body are spewing indicators of your mental and physical health. They offer cues about your sexual experience, self-confidence, and personality. Women have a keen sense for picking up on these indicators because she has had to put up with so much shit from guys hitting on here, catcalling her (watch a woman receive 108 catcalls in NYC ), sexual harassment, and even stalkers.
Ever since her boobs formed and her hips started developing, she’s had to deal with weirdos and creepers to some degree. And she’s sick of it.
For most guys it’s impossible for them to comprehend this. We have very little experience with a woman’s world.
For instance, if an attractive woman decides to signup for OkCupid, she receives an average of 50 messages in one day, while the average really attractive guy may receive 3-5 a day at max. 5
The amount of attention she receives compare to the average man is 500% or more. This is why it’s so hard for men to comprehend why women act the way they do.
By the time you’re meeting a woman in her twenties, she’s already spent years honoring her superhuman ability to recognize indicators of things that may cause her harm.
This is crucial, because as a man, you must realize that all this sexual attention (fear of physical violence) can be ignited like a wood fire doused in lighter fluid if she ignores your come-ons, if she rejects you in a way you find humiliating, or if she dates you for six months before finding out you’re a paranoid, jealous control freak. (FYI this isn’t cool and means that you have a bunch of emotional issues).
A woman’s experience in the mating world is equivalent to a cop. Cops spend 90% of their time with the worst 5% of humanity. Talk to a cop that has been around for 10 or more years and you’ll notice a cynical, negative bias and fatalistic view of humans.
It’s not that all of humanity is horrible; rather, they are in the job force that exposes them to experience the worst most often.
The truth is women are exposed to bigger, stronger, faster men who have desire to have sex with them. The scary part is they have the capability of taking it by force.
Women experience this when dealing with men. Most of their time is spent being exposed to the most obnoxious, persistent or crazy ones. Although “psychopaths are sexually predatory, uninhibited, and confident, and only make up about 4% of the American male population, they may account for 40% of the men who actually hit on women at any given time.” 6
Women experience this not only at bars and clubs, but at school, on the job, on the street shopping and even in Starbucks of all places. “I love you a latte ?”
Everywhere they look, men stare at them, make inappropriate passes at them and interact with them. Sex is the underlying subtext of every interaction – even the shortest, non-mating exchanges.
Her: “I would love a sausage with those eggs, please.”
Him: “Yeah you do.”
Ironically, the same male traits that frighten women the most are also the biggest turn on. The guys who pose the greatest physical threat are also the same guys you can see as keeping a woman the safest. Or the egotistical jerk in the bar may also be the one that makes a woman laugh so hard her abs feel like she’s just done 1,000 crunches.
Just as confusing as it is for men, attraction for a woman is one big conundrum.
Most guys believe that women are playing games. That when they try to be direct with their intentions : “Hi, I think you’re cute, what’s your name?”, they feel like she’s sending “mixed messages” or that there is some kind of mysterious erotic dance going on.
The truth is she is not being weird or manipulative (at least, most women aren’t). It’s that she’s trying to express interest from a defensive posture and she has built an instantaneous threat-detection system that makes her protect herself when a guy starts pushing too hard.
Maybe you’re a really good guy like me, but the truth is she has no way of knowing when she first meets you. All she is going off of is the way you make her feel. She can’t see that you have awesome friends, a degree, or spend your Sundays having breakfast with your grandmother in her nursing home.
No One Likes Rejection
Let’s take a moment and think back to a time in your life when you didn’t want to see someone who wanted to see you. Maybe it was that annoying bro at work. Maybe it was a blind date your best friend tried to set you up with. Think of that awkward situation where you had to turn someone down. What polite excuse did you come up with to not spend time with someone?
Did you lie and tell them you had to see your grandmother? Did you lie and tell them you had a meeting?
How did it make you feel?
Probably not good.
Rejecting people directly (“leave me alone”) or indirectly (“I’m busy this weekend, maybe another time”) is a very awkward and uncomfortable situation that no one enjoys. Only a small percentage of people in this world enjoy being a jerk or making someone feel bad.
Imagine you have to do this on a daily basis. There’s nothing enjoyable about it; in fact, it becomes downright frustrating. This is why women complain about guys hitting on them or about guys being creepy, because they have to reject them. Rejecting someone is an uncomfortable and potentially threatening experience.
Guys who believe women are laughing at them from their divine mountain-tops are wrong.
Think about it. When you see women out and about, why are they all dolled up? Why do women spend so much time and effort on their appearances? Why do they join dating sites or go on blind dates?
They don’t do it to reject a bunch of guys. Women are just as lonely and frustrated as men are. They want to meet a man. But not just any man; a great man. One who signals confidence. One who is charming, fun and interesting.
The reality of dating is every time you approach a woman, she wants YOU to be that man. She’s secretly praying you’re him. She doesn’t want to reject you. Each guy that walks up to her comes with a voice in her head that says, “Please, please be that man. Be the attractive, interesting man I can’t say no to.”
Then you nervously bring up the weather while buying her a drink and make an uncomfortable joke that puts her in that uncomfortable position of having to reject you.
Sometimes it doesn’t even make it that far. The moment she sees you, it’s clear that the game is over: you’re dressed like a clown, you haven’t shaved your massive beard or you are too drunk to even stand up straight.
The environment in which women are exposed to is also why women so kindly overlook a lot of our boneheaded man moves. Honestly, it’s amazing how many second or third chances a woman will give you if she likes you.
The truth is she’s cheering for you. She is your biggest fan.
In her head she is telling herself, “Oh, he chickened out of asking out this time. Next time he will do it.”
She’s begging you to succeed. She wants it just as bad as you do.
All of the women in bars, grocery stops and Starbucks WANT you to be that unbelievably attractive man who makes time stop for them. They want to feel things they haven’t felt before.
They want that to be YOU. And when they reject you, it’s not because they enjoy it, or because they have an ego, or because you’re short or not big enough.
It’s because you didn’t give her the feeling. You didn’t make her feel safe and comfortable to reveal in your male sexuality. You didn’t make her abs hurt from laughing and forget where she was or the friends she came with. That’s what she goes out every night looking for: The man that will make her feel more alive.
So the next time you approach, when she sees you coming – and trust me, she almost always does – know she’s already rooting for you. She wants you to succeed as much as you do.
She doesn’t want to reject you. For the moment, she is your biggest fan.
- An article that explains what is happeneing – Abe Funds Japan’s Last-Chance Saloon to End Births Drop by Keiko Ujikane & Kyoko Shimodoi ↩
- Book: Modern Romance by Aziz Ansari -Yes the comedian. It’s a good book. ↩
- In Japan, they call these men Herbivores. Here is an interesting article that will help you understand. ↩
- Book: Mate: Become the Man Women Want by Tucker-Max pg 31 ↩
- Book: Dataclysm: Love, Sex, Race, and Identity–What Our Online Lives Tell Us about Our Offline Selves by Christian Rudder ↩
- Mate book – see above ↩