Why do we have sex? Why do we cheat? Why are some women able to have orgasms while others are not?
These are some of the questions I sought to answer in the month of June.
As much as society tells us that sex should be easy and anxiety freeing, it’s not. Open-hearted sex makes us vulnerable. We expose our darkest desires. We struggle to perform in the bedroom. Lovemaking, fucking, and doing our partners requires personal mastery.
But sex is more than removing the cultural shame ingrained in our brain. Even masturbation is a touchy area for some people. It’s more than feeling comfortable about deeply connecting with the person we are making love with. As much as I wish sex was only about the emotional and psychological processes involved, there are physical processes that change desire as well.
I want to share the tip of my journey into the world of sex. Below, you’ll find the four sex books I read in the month of June.
She Comes First: The Thinking Mans Guide To Pleasuring A Woman
A female friend once told me that men are like jack rabbits and women are like turtles when it comes to orgasm. The problem with this mindset is that it’s totally fucked. As Sian Beilock wrote in his book Choke: What the Secrets of the Brain Reveal About Getting It Right When You Have To, “high expectations of success and the possibility that you will be evaluated poorly can lead to disastrous consequences in the bedroom.”
This can lead to performance anxiety, which can cause a man to finish to soon or lose erection. It can stress out the woman enough so she can’t orgasm.
So what’s my point here? There is no race to orgasm. It’s a journey full of sensations and pleasure, so stop and smell the roses.
The author of She Comes First, Ian Kerner, would agree with this. The first part of the book talks about our mindset when it comes to sex. He says when we focus on the destination, we forget about the journey. When you are focused on “making” her orgasm, she isn’t going to. When you slow down and focus on her present sensations, she will relax and be able to enjoy herself, which can lead to an intense orgasm.
Female anatomy is a beautiful and complex at the same time. When I was younger, I used to joke that our creator was feeling really artistic when he was creating the vagina. He spent so much time on the vagina that when it came to the penis, he took out a piece of play doh and rolled it out, slapped it on a man,and said “I’m done for the day.”
Luckily for us men, Ian is there to take us on an intricate adventure through the female body. It’s incredibly helpful to know what is going on, even if you know what you’re doing. Reading this book will introduce new creativity into your oral sex playbook. You’ll also learn about positions that make her orgasm more intense.
The book also offers some powerful routines. While I tend to balk at the idea of routines, there is power to them. I had to first learn pattern work when I was learning to dance the salsa. Once I mastered the patterns, then I could improvise and mix patterns in my own way. The same goes for oral sex. Follow a routine that works, and then once you become good at it, start improvising and finding new ways of pleasing your partner.
Favorite Chapter: Moreplay: She Comes Again (and Again)
Favorite Quote: “Whatever you do, don’t attempt to speed things up by increasing the pace of your clitoral stimulation. One of the main complaints of women in regard to men’s oral habits is that they’re too fast and rough. So if you “tongue-fuck” her, or flick her clit like you’re a porn star, in order to move things along, you’ll likely derail the entire process and possibly even hurt her.”
3 Ways This Book Will Change Your Sex Life:
- You’ll learn about new ways of pleasing the woman in your life.
- You’ll discover the benefit of slowing down and enjoying the sexual process
- You’ll receive routines that can be used to find new ways of arousing the woman in your life.
Sex at Dawn: Why We Mate, Why We Stray, and What It Means for Modern Relationships
Isn’t it odd that men and women have evolved together in sexually monogamous couples for millions of years, and we are so incompatible when it comes to the bedroom? You say you love your partner, but you don’t feel sexually attracted the way you used to. Maybe you should trying doing it on the kitchen floor, or force yourself to do it every night for a year. Maybe he’s having a midlife crisis. Maybe you should take some pills. Get a new hairstyle. Whatever it is, something is wrong with YOU.
As humans, we are willing to think, feel, wear, do and believe pretty much anything our society assures us is normal. Sex and arousal can sometimes feel like trying to catch a rare Pokemon in Central Park.
Sex at Dawn is a book that dives deep into the evolutionary world of sex. While the book has received criticism for challenging monogamy, the book takes you on a journey that will open you to exploring your deeply held beliefs about sex and relationships. You’ll begin to realize that your sexual problems may not be your problems, but cultural issues, or natural human processes.
The book also explores how some of the fucked up beliefs our culture accepted in the past were used to prevent sex. For example: Kellogg, an American Medical Doctor, recommended passing a wire through the foreskin and the base of the penis. Painful, but it prevented an erection from occurring.
Hell, even Kellogg’s Corn Flakes was designed to discourage masturbation. Also, did you know that Darwin had little to no personal sexual experience before his thirtieth birthday? Did you know that Sigmund Freud, an influencer of nineteenth-century sexual theory, was a self-proclaimed thirty-year-old virgin? If you want to challenge your beliefs and teach higher quality sex ed to others, I highly recommend adding this book to your library.
Favorite Chapter: The Pervert’s Lament
Favorite Quote: “With the women…mind and genitals seemed scarcely to belong to the same person.” The context of this was quoting a study that tracked female physical arousal versus the awareness of arousal.
3 Ways This Book Will Change Your Sex Life:
- Did you know that corn flakes (the cereal) was designed to discourage masturbation? Sex Life Changed FOREVER.
- You will explore your deeply held beliefs about sex and monogamy and decide for yourself what you want.
- You’ll learn how we are more like bonobos than apes. There are very interesting facts on bonobos in the book.
The Red Queen: Sex And The Evolution of Human Nature
David Hume once asked the greatest question of all: “why is human nature what it is?” Our intellect, our sexual desires, and our motivations are driven by sex according to Matt Ridley, author of The Red Queen: Sex and the Evolution of Human Nature. The main reason we have sex is to combat disease. By combining genes from different people, we keep our genes one step ahead of parasites, predators, and competitors.
What’s interesting is we don’t see all members of the opposite sex as adequate partners for our genetic joint venture. Even the most promiscuous ones among us, do not have sex with anyone who comes along.
Men act as a filter for generations and are chosen by women. Only the best men are allowed to breed, while the weaker men’s genes are constantly purged from the population. Ridley research dives deep into sexual selection theory, which states that our behavior and appearances (fashion, social status, fancy cars, etc.) are not used to help us survive, but to acquire the best partner (or the most partners). Our appearances are what allow us to seduce others into choosing us without conscious thought.
Sexual selection points out that humanity’s future is determined by the female’s choice, which is inherited through past generations and slightly changed by current culture. What’s interesting is women prefer exaggerated ornaments, even if they are a burden to men.
The more costly the handicap, the higher quality signal of our genetic quality is. We are attracted to beautiful people and plaster them on the internet and magazines because their attractiveness is a signal of genetic health.
Ridley also explores the benefit of lies. Our dating process is a way of advertising ourselves. Women need to know the truth about a man: his health, wealth, and genes, while the man wants to exaggerate the information so he can mate with her.
But Zahavi’s handicap theory predicts that honesty prevails and men who cheat will be found out.
Okay, this summary is becoming a post in itself. If you’re a nerd who wants to understand human behavior and why we choose to mate with the people we have sex with, then The Red Queen is a must read.
Favorite Chapter: The Uses of Beauty
Favorite Quote: “Testosterone itself, the very elixir of masculinity, increases susceptibility to infectious disease. The more competitive nature of men is a consequence of sexual selection. Men have evolved to live dangerously because success in competition or battle used to lead to more or better sexual conquests and more surviving children.”
3 Ways This Book Will Change Your Sex Life:
- You’ll start to see relationships between dating success and sexual selection signals in our culture
- You’ll learn about the uses of beauty and how we display beauty in humanity
- You’ll learn how humanity evolves and changes through female choice
Bonk: The Curious Coupling of Science and Sex
Sex research is full of bizarre studies, from a man’s thrusting rate to a woman’s clitoris measurements. Mary Roach, with an odd sense of humor, dives into the world of sex research to ask the questions many of us are curious about but too scared to ask.
She explores how sex research in an era of corporatized and politicized medical science makes it difficult to actually study sex. If the study of female sexual pleasure doesn’t conclude the need for a she-Viagra, chances are, it won’t get studied. The history of sex studies explains a lot of why we see sex in the way that we do. It shows why so much of the publicly shared sex advice is so useless.
Roach takes the reader on a journey through artificial insemination, sex machines, and sex attic experiments. Reading this book taught me things I’ve never even considered when it comes to sex. I highly recommend reading it.
Favorite Chapter: Mind Over Vagina: Women Are Complicated
Favorite Quote: “Kegel [founder of Kegel exercises for men and women] originally prescribed the exercise as a remedy for incontinence, but patients began reporting a happy side effect: They were having orgasms during intercourse where none were had before.”
3 Ways This Book Will Change Your Sex Life
- You’ll understand why sex advice is so limited and misleading.
- You’ll learn about the complications arousal and sex. For example, some women are mentally disconnected from the physical signs of arousal.
- You’ll begin to understand why men are so quick to finish and women take so long to please.
While many of the sex books I mentioned above do provide the reader evidence that monogamy goes against our nature, I want you to realize your relationships are your choice. The goal of my book reviews are to share what I find interesting and to provide you new ways of viewing the world.
Even as I write this review and may find the evidence interesting or may agree with the evidence on some levels, I have no desire to open my committed relationship. Every day we get a choice in how to be with our partners. Maybe polyamory is something you want to explore. Maybe it’s not for you. It’s not my job to tell you how to love in your relationships. No relationship is ever alike, because all of us are slightly different. This means your relationship, your sexual preferences. and your choices are yours. After all, this is your life.
Dedicated to sexual exploration,