When I was a kid, I was giddy when the holiday season came around. I opened presents, ate candy canes, and snuggled with my dogs near the fireplace.
But as an adult, the holidays come with a fair amount of stress. I found there was less fun and more planning, like how you’re going to visit family, what food you’re going to cook, saving money for gifts, going shopping, and so much more.
It’s not uncommon for couples to feel overwhelmed or disconnected during the holiday season, especially if one or both partners feel triggered by certain events. The added stress can create tension and highlight relationship difficulties during a time when it is important to stay connected and feel loved.
But there is a better way through the holiday season, which is getting through it together.
Having a plan and sticking to it is one of the most effective ways to eliminate stress and spend more time having fun and enjoying each other’s company.
Take the Stress out of Holiday Preparations and Decisions
The holiday season can leave a partner feeling unappreciated or resentful for doing all the shopping and cooking, or it can lead to another partner feeling pressured into doing things their partner’s way. But the holidays are a time to come together as a team and create a sense of balance. Try to follow this template toward creating a holiday plan:
1. List out all the chores and responsibilities that require attention. This will give you an objective view for determining who should be in charge of what.
2. Add three columns to the list: one for you, one for your partner, and one for both of you.
3. Read the list together. Talk about each other’s perception of how holiday responsibilities were handled in the past, and discuss how you would like them handled this year.
4. Go through the items that are easy to assign this year and choose who is responsible (you, your partner, or both), check the appropriate task and partner on the list, and set aside the tasks that may need to be talked through for later.
5. For the items you didn’t assign, take the time to ask each other open-ended questions about the task and the difficulties associated with it. Truly listen to what your partner likes and doesn’t like, which is an opportunity to learn something new about your partner and their preferences and concerns.
Then, after both partners feel understood, determine how you’d like to proceed this year, and compromise when needed so that both of you feel comfortable with your plans. You can cover a lot of different kinds of tasks, including cooking and cleaning duties, shopping, travel plans, and holiday traditions that you’d both like to include in your festivities.
|List||Partner A’s List||Partner B’s List||Together List|
|Warping gifts||X 12/22/17|
|Organizing the grocery list||X 12/21/17|
|Call family & see who is bringing what for dinner||X 12/22/17|
The goal here is to find win-win solutions that put your partner’s needs on par with your own. Your partner may agree with you or may suggest something else.
Sometimes you may have to do a task together, but that can be helpful if both of you don’t enjoy something that still needs to get done.
Work together to find a solution for this year that satisfies both of your needs. Then decide who is responsible, assign the task, and note the date that it needs to be completed by.
Now you have a better idea of who does what and when, which should already relieve a great deal of stress.
Dr. John Gottman’s research discovered that a purely equal division of tasks isn’t what matters (keeping score can lead to resentment), but instead that each partner feels like responsibilities are balanced. And, of course, modify plans if necessary. If your partner feels overwhelmed, then see if you can help out by taking on some of their tasks, and remember to support each other.
De-stress with Your Spouse
Throughout the holidays, try to take time to have a Stress-Reducing Conversation, which allows you talk about your stressful feelings and thoughts without actually discussing your marriage or any issues you may have with your partner.
If you have this conversation every day this season, it can’t help but make your spirits bright.
Another way to relieve stress is to offer compliments, gratitude, and appreciation to your partner, which can help your partner stay connected to you.
Make an extra effort to notice the small things your partner does such as grocery shopping, wrapping gifts, taking out the trash, or making time for just you, and verbalize your appreciation. Small acts of gratitude will help uplift your spirits.
If you cultivate an attitude of gratitude around your partner and loved ones during the holidays, everyone should feel more comfortable, appreciated, and emotionally satisfied.
Do the Small Things Often
As Liz Higgins reminds us, “Marriage is Not a Big Thing, It’s a Million Little Things.”
Take a few moments this holiday season and plan three little surprises for your spouse. This could be:
- A short and sweet love note slipped into their wallet or purse
- Filling up a hot bath for them to relax in at after a long stressful day (bonus if you join)
- Dance to holiday music in your home
Take Time to Connect with Your Partner
Most importantly, try to schedule some time for just you and your partner to connect. It may be difficult to get away from family and friends during a busy holiday season, but making intentional efforts to spend a few hours or an evening together will help you feel more loved and stress-free.
- Sneak off to give each other a quick massage.
- Find a mistletoe to passionately kiss under
- Give each other personalized gifts before the holiday.
- Snuggle while watching a holiday movie
- Hold hands while taking an evening walk
If you follow these tips throughout the holiday season, it may bring you closer to feeling that sense of fun, excitement, and wonder that I once felt as a kid. While planning isn’t as fun as decorating and opening gifts, having a solid plan you can rely on enables you and your partner to spend less time stressing and more time enjoying the holiday season.
This article was originally published on The Gottman Relationship Blog