When you are walking around a Christmas holiday party or swiping faces on your phone, you probably have some idea of the type of person you find attractive.
As you swipe away, you are seeking certain traits – physical, mental, social – you desire. Other traits, you say “no.” Maybe you have a list of these traits, or maybe you just know it when you see it.
Either way, you have evolved to desire specific traits. The melting pot of your childhood, teenage, and adult experiences have sculpted and resculpted which traits you find attractive and which ones you find repulsive.
When you feel chemistry, your brain floods your neurotransmitters with love chemicals that say, “hey you, pay attention. That person will make you happy.”
In reality, your brain has no clue if it’s right or not. It’s just guessing.
The only thing your brain knows is that it has recognized specific cues that have given you the reward of love and/or pleasure before. Scientist call this love conditioning.
Mutual chemistry gets people together, compatibility keeps them together.
We don’t know how to create chemistry on command. It’s either there on some level, or it’s not. Sometimes it develops over time due to compatibility. Other times it’s instant.
Compatibility, on the other hand, is pretty easy to assess. High levels of compatibility between people come from similarities in their lifestyles and values. Intelligent liberal people usually date each other, and so do fitness freaks. Scientists call this Assortative Mating. Like the obnoxious cliché goes – “birds of a feather flock together.”
You can decide if you’re compatible with someone by answering one simple question: do you offer each other value in ways that meet each other’s wants and needs? If yes, the attraction will last. If no, it fizzles out.
Very few people have sat down and asked themselves exactly what they find attractive – things they would find compatible to their lifestyle. Typically people meet, have sex, fall in love and then figure out whether this person desires the same things they want – compatibility.
The more you seek people you’re compatible with, the more your standards will rise, making it even easier to find the Mr. or Mrs. Right. You’ll weed out the idiots, the narcissists and the jerks.
Getting crystal clear on what you are seeking will prime your mind to find that person.
Here’s how it works: Look-up from the screen and look at the world around you. I want you to notice everything that is red.
No close your eyes and recall everything that was blue.
Nearly impossible, huh?
Scientist now know the brain receives 400 billion bits of information each second, but our minds only process a measly 2,000 bits. That means you only recognize one-millionth of a percent of what’s out there.
What filters your mind is what you focus on. By focusing on the qualities you seek, your mind will help you recognize the type of people you want to attract. It’s the same with getting a new car. Once you desire the new car you start seeing it all over the place.
This isn’t some pseudo-science sham. Psychologists call it priming
I created a list of questions for you.1 They’re based on generic categories to prime your mind to discover the finer details of your ideal partner – or the range in which your ideal partner may fall.
- How in shape is your ideal partner? Are they the size of The Hulk, or just above average?
- How tall are they? (select a range – for example, my ideal range is 5’6” to 5’11”)
- How healthy is their skin, hair, and nails? Is their skin mostly clear of acne? Does their hair look healthy and vibrant?
- What is their personal style? Are they a hipster? Do they dress in button-downs and nice shoes?
2| Dating Goals & Ethics
- What type of relationship do they desire – NSA, Casual, or Committed?
- Are they honest and trustworthy? How do they handle flirting, or people who try to steal them away from you?
- Are they controlling? Do they check your phone and tell you when to go out, or do they trust you to make the right decisions on your own?
- Are they thoughtful and caring, or superficial?
- Are they organized? Is their home and car clean and well taken care of?
- Do they live in a decent place?
- How do they treat the finances in your relationship? Do they pay for most things? Or do you?
- Are they self-sufficient, or wholly dependent on you?
- Do they have drug or alcohol habits? What kind of healthy habits do they have? Do they eat clean food? Do they exercise regularly and get plenty of sleep?
- How do they spend their free time? What hobbies do they enjoy?
- Do they deal with people assertively, yet politely?
- Are they nasty or nice?
- Are they talkative or reserved? Do they let your blabber on and contently listen, or do you have conversations where they offer as much as you? 2
- Are they opinionated, funny and/or sweet?
- What is their intelligence like? What are they intelligent about?
- Do they have social, emotional, or practical intelligence?
- Do they read or enjoy learning? What do they enjoy learning about?
- What can they teach you?
- What is their level of education?
- Do they plan to get more education?
- What is their career?
7| Emotional Health & Baggage
- What is their marital history?
- Do they have kids?
- Do they have personal issues?
- Are they happy, open, playful, fun, or depressed, paranoid and unpredictable?
8| Life Goals
- What kinds of life plans do they have ahead of them?
- Do they want kids? Do they want to spend a year traveling?
- What are their religious beliefs?
- What are their political views?
- Do they have family values?
- How do they view gender roles?
- What are their values on sex?
- Are they romantic? How so? Do they write love notes? Take you out on dates?
- How do they show you how much they love you?
- How good are they in bed? Are they experienced or inexperienced?
- How much effort do they put into the relationship?
- Are they taking the extra pain to be considerate, attentive, chivalrous, and proactive? How do they do this?
Bonus: The Exes
- Think about what you loved and hated in your past relationships.
Note: If your list contains traits in a negative light, change them to positive. Listing negative traits you want to avoid is like telling yourself not to miss a free throw in the NBA Championship.
- Don’t say: I don’t want someone who smokes.
- Do say: I want someone who takes care of their health and chooses not to smoke.
The more compatible you are with someone in the above areas, the more likely both of you will create a win-win relationship. Compatibility can range from nonexistent to amazing, with everything in-between.
The more serious the relationship you desire, the more compatibility you’ll need and the more items you’ll need to consider from the list above.
Important note: Good compatibility doesn’t mean both you and your partner are the same in all areas. It means that both of you mesh in these areas because you are similar or because any differences work for both of you.
Why this List Works
Maybe you’ve heard of the Law of Attraction, which states that we draw to us what we imagine. Rhonda Brynes, author of The Secret, made this up to manipulate people into buying her book so she could create a 100% gold plated vibrator.
If life were so stupidly easy, all of us would be rich, healthy and happily dating the right person (or persons, depending on your lifestyle choices). This list isn’t that powerful, but it is up there with the Jedi Mind Tricks. Not because it attracts the right people in your life, but because you start noticing them.
If you can notice them, you stand a chance at making them your partner. And that’s what matters.
Latest posts by Kyle Benson (see all)
- 5 Steps to Inspire Your Partner to Join You in Attending Couples Therapy - December 5, 2019
- How to Avoid the Relationship Rollercoaster [Interview] - November 7, 2019
- The Conflict Escalator: The ABCs of Escalating Conflict - October 24, 2019