How do you fight with your partner when money is on the table? Do you argue with them over how to budget or criticize them for their “uncontrollable” spending habits?
As we’ve learned so far in the Managing Money in Marriage column, conflicts about money in a marriage aren’t really about money. Most arguments are about what money means to each person in the relationship. It is those differences, not the dollar value, that are often the root of financial disagreements.
So how do you work on those differences?
The Destructive Nature of Financial Conflicts
Have you ever felt like your partner was the enemy when it comes to money? In 1969, George Bach felt that way when he published The Intimate Enemy. Bach believed that relationships failed because partners didn’t air their resentments, so he encouraged couples to “let it all out.”
He gave couples foam rubber bats and encouraged partners to take turns saying what they resented about the other person. One partner might say, “I resent you for spending our money on a stupid boat we never use,” followed by a whack with the bat. Then the other partner might say, “I resent you for spending thousands each year on clothes and heels,” accompanied with a whack.
It turns out this method only made couples feel more resentful toward one another. “Letting it all out” over money is not the solution.
It’s important to reframe your approach toward conflict. Happy couples start conflict conversations gently and allow their partner to influence them. They work with each other to compromise and find a solution. In this way, anger and frustration about money can actually be a catalyst for profound growth in a marriage. Like building a Sound Relationship House, money conflicts can be used to reconstruct the way we love each other over time.
How to Have a Constructive Conflict Conversation
Before you even start to discuss conflicts about money in your marriage, we recommend reading The Meaning of Money to discover your money laws. Below are five guidelines for making conflict conversations work:
1. Be on the Same Team
People often perceive their partner as dissimilar to them, especially during conflict. They believe they have all the positive qualities and their partner only has a few or lots of negative traits.
When you give your partner a negative quality in your thoughts, try to see that same quality in yourself. And when you identify a positive quality in yourself, try to see that same quality in your partner. The assumption of similarity is what keeps The Story of Us focused on we-ness, not me-ness.
2. Stop if You’re Flooded
Couples can only have a constructive conflict conversation if they can manage their own physiological flooding. At its peak, flooding can cause couples to verbally attack each other. Any conversation you have while being flooded will be useless, if not damaging. Regrettable words will be said and partners will put up walls as they defend themselves against one another.
Dr. John Gottman’s research has shown that a simple 20 to 30 minute break can really help you calm yourself down. During that time, do things that help you relax like taking a walk or listening to your favorite music.
3. Postpone Persuasion
Trying to persuade your partner to compromise before both of you have stated your position will lead to resentment and an unfair solution. If your partner feels unheard, they will unlikely to be motivated to open up and hear your side of the story. It is only when both partners feel understood by each other that you can begin to work together to find a compromise.
If your partner does not feel understood and accepts your persuasion, over time they may resent you or undermine the solution you set.
Slow down, understand each other, and the solution will last.
4. Express Your Needs
As a speaker, it’s your responsibility to express your needs in a way that your partner can do something about that will be successful for you. The trap most people fall into is only expressing how they want to feel: “I want to feel more loved.”
The problem is that it gives your partner no clue how to help you feel that way. A better way to ask for more love is, “I need a romantic date night once a week and an overnight to a bed and breakfast every two months.” Be as specific as you can.
5. Believe Both Points of View are Valid
When partners believe there is only one truth, they argue tooth and nail for their own position. That belief is a dead end.
There is only one essential assumption that will make the conversation about hurt feelings or the aftermath of a fight workout constructively: that in every disagreement or miscommunication, there are always two points of view, and they are both valid.
Once you accept that idea, it’s no longer necessary to argue for your own position. Now you can focus on understanding and validating your partner’s position.
Note: Validation and understanding are not the same as compliance or agreement.
This process will only work if both partners agree that there are two valid viewpoints, and if BOTH are not focused so much on “facts” as on understanding the other’s side of the event.
These five rules will guide you to stop fighting about money and start connecting in your relationship. If you find you and your partner’s core needs are at war with each other, don’t fret. We will offer 10 questions to get your relationship out of gridlock next week.
Additionally, Dr. John Gottman’s 40 years of research with thousands of couples has revealed an effective conflict blueprint that provides both the speaker and listener with responsibilities for making the conversation constructive.
This exercise has been proven to be the most effective way to use money conflicts as a catalyst for increasing the romance, affection, and appreciation in your relationship.
This article was originally published on The Gottman Relationship Blog.