Sometimes we lose our sense of self in a relationship. We can feel a love so deep, it can be as if we’ve become one with our partner and the universe. It’s a unique, fairy-tale experience, and it’s what psychologists call a collapse of the ego state. The benefit is just that – we surrender our ego.
The repercussions to having low self-esteem make us fear the loss of our value, and we invest that in another person. As a result, some will try and control the situation of their relationships through force or manipulation.
When we are alone, it’s easy to recognize our boundaries. What do you like? What don’t you like? But love always complicates things, including our sense of self. Numerous studies show that once we become attached to someone, 1 the two of us form one physiological unit. Our partner regulates our blood pressure, our heart rate, our breathing, and even the levels of hormones in our blood. 2 We are no longer separate entities.
From a biological perspective, the emphasis on independence that is held by today’s approach to an adult relationship doesn’t hold water.
Dependency is a fact; it is not a choice or preference.
Our culture praises the myth that our happiness is something that should come from within, and should not be dependent on your mate. That your well-being is not their responsibility and theirs is not yours. Each person must look after themselves.
Humans are relational creatures. Friends, families and even strangers can affect our emotional state, it’s biologically impossible to not be dependent.
Let’s pretend we are friends. In this situation, you regulate my emotions just as much as I regulate yours. When we talk and laugh, I feel better. If we were to fight, we’d both be angered or frustrated with each other. To say that we are independent is a flaw of prehistoric science.
This science causes people to shame others for being needy, and this action further isolates them. A person’s behavior does not evolve out of a vacuum. Their behaviors, especially in a social and emotional context, are unconscious strategies that serve to get their needs met.
These behaviors exist for a reason. Until we can address the needs of others, humanity will continue to breed violence, drug addictions and bat-shit crazy behavior.
Part of building healthy boundaries is to not take things personally. We need to realize there’s a deeper reason behind the actions of others. Most of the time it has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with how someone else sees the world.
The true mark of maturity is when someone hurts you, and instead of trying to hurt them back, you attempt to understand their situation.
Everything I say or do is because of my interpretation of the world, as well as my own life experiences. It’s the same for you. Most of these experiences are intertwined with the company of other humans, and those relations influence how you see yourself.
People who are overly codependent have a desperate need for love and affection from others. Typically it’s because they didn’t receive it in their childhood. They unconsciously believe that they need to play “the victim”, so that someone will come “save them.” This is a result of self-sabotaging beliefs in ones emotional blueprint.
On the other side of the coin are individuals who become “Mr. Save the Day.” They are addicted to the “fix-it” pattern. They unconsciously believe that fixing things is the way they will receive the love and appreciation they’ve always wanted.
The lack of identity and boundaries makes these two kinds of people unattractive to more secure individuals.
The Saviors and Fixers are emotionally pulled towards each other. Typically, they’ve grown up with parents who exhibit one of these traits, and as a result their model of a “happy” relationship is based on neediness and poor boundaries. This couple often fails to completely meet the needs of the other, so this relationship often leads to increasing dramatic behavior and insecurity.
These two actually perpetuate their unconscious neediness and low self-esteem that prevents them from getting their emotional needs met. Their pathologies match perfectly.
The victim creates more problems to fix, and the saver continues to fix them, but the love, connection and security they’ve always needed is never actually transmitted to each other. The victim creates the problems to feel that love and attention. The savor doesn’t save the victim because they are too focused on the problem, in hopes that fixing the problem will provide them love. Despite the unconscious dilemmas, the intentions of both behaviors are needy, self-sabotaging, and both equally unattractive.
The victim, instead of expecting to be saved, could say, “hey, this is my problem, and you don’t have to fix it for me. I want to do this myself because I love you, and I know I play The Victim in order to feel love.” That would actually SAVE the saver.
If The Saver really wants to save The Victim, the saver would look them in the eye and say, “look, you’re blaming others because you’re not getting your needs met. You need to become aware of what these needs are so you can start behaving in a healthier way and start to assert yourself. You are responsible for expressing your emotions. Not others.”
Such a scenario very rarely happens.
One reason for this is because most of us, especially guys, were never taught the skills to develop and maintain meaningful connections. Guy culture promotes the concept of being the winner at all cost, and a side effect of this culture creates the people with plummeting self-esteem. They live in a society that neglects them and shames them for their basic biological needs.
Another reason for the lack of communication is because the Savers and Victims receive an emotional high from one another. It’s like an addiction. If either of the two types interact with an emotionally healthy person instead of each other, they usually feel a lack of chemistry.
They will unconsciously pass on healthy, secure individuals with emotional boundaries that will actually fill their needs. The healthy boundaries simply don’t excite Victims and Savers like a broken one does.
These Victims and Savers often push away the secure-attachment types. According to Attachment Theory, Victims tend to be anxious-attachment types and Savers end to be avoiding-attachment types
Based on assortment theory, needy behavior makes you unattractive to most people, and limits you to a similar level of neediness if you are only attracting women with low self-esteem, then you are likely an asshole with low self-esteem. If you only attract high-maintenance princesses, then you are most likely a high-maintenance prince yourself.
You Attract What You Are. If you don’t like what you attract, or you don’t like how your relationships behave, then you need to look into the mirror. Do some deep introspection and use this site so you can start dating individuals who will meet your needs and make you feel significant.
Studies show that when you are in a secure relationship, you will become bolder, more innovative, and happier. Isn’t that what you deserve?
The next part of the series contains exercises for you to recognize some of your emotional blueprint issues, and will help you redesign how you consciously and unconsciously see yourself in the world in relation to others.
Read Removing Unhealthy Codependence
- Roberts, J. E., Gotlib, I. H., & Kassel, J. D. (1996). Adult attachment security and symptoms of depression: The mediating roles of dysfunctional attitudes and low self-esteem. Journal Of Personality And Social Psychology, 70(2), 310-320 & Banks, A. (2011). The mythic reality of the autonomous individual.Zygon, 46(1), 168-182. ↩
- Book: Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find – and Keep -Love by Amir Levine (2012) ↩