How you spend your time and what you choose to value limits you to a specific sort of woman. If you like to be outdoors, you’re going to be more compatible with a woman that likes hiking, kayaking and climbing, rather than a woman that prefers wine and books in her free time.
When you become aware of your values, interests and passions, it empowers you to direct your time and effort into communities that support those values. Men who deliberately craft their lives consciously choose their communities based on their own goals, values and beliefs.In doing so, they place themselves in an environment with women who will make them happy, women with their passions.
Demographics will do more than help you find a woman you will be incredibly happy with. They’ll help you find friends who you will want to spend time with; your tribe.
The theory of demographics explains why you only click with some people. A friend of mine owns his own salsa dance studio. In addition to teaching classes and having social dances, he hosts events that bring Latin music into the area. He also engages in communities where people enjoy discussing different styles of dance and music. He regularly meets men and women who love to travel, and many of them immerse themselves in all sorts of culture.
My friend deliberately crafted his lifestyle, and as a result he has a high hit rate with women who appreciate music and dance. These types of women make him happy, and he tends to make the women who spend time with him happy in return.
For any man looking to create his niche in the dating market: my advice is for him to sit down and ask himself some questions before he gets involved in different communities, let alone begins talking to women. The first step in attracting your ideal woman is defining what you want in that person.
If you’re unaware of what you’re looking for, your ideal gal could walk right by you unnoticed! By getting crystal clear about what you want, and by reviewing your list on a weekly – basis, you will literally prime your unconscious to seek out individuals that meet your criteria.
Step 1: Design your ideal woman.
- Describe your ideal woman’s traits, habits, qualities, and appearance – everything that you think of that could be important. What do you value in a woman? Intelligence? Spontaneity? Affection? Ambition?
Step 2: What kind of person would you have to be to attract such a woman?
- The truth in love is that you attract what you are, so it’s important that you become the kind of person you would like to find. List the values, characteristics, and habits that you need to work on in order to match your ideal woman. Ask yourself what you enjoy doing most? Do you love to play guitar? Do you enjoy reading and writing? Do you love playing competitive sports?
- Ask yourself if you’re spending time on the things you care about. For the things you do care about, ask if you really care about them, or if you do them because others might think they are interesting.
- If you feel like you don’t know what your interests and passions are, take some time to write down the things you’ve always wanted to do. There’s always one thing that we’ve never taken the time to do, or something that we’ve never worked up the nerve to carry out. Make a promise to yourself to expand your identity by making that first step.
Step 3: Find the matches between your ideal woman and your ideal self.
- Circle the matches in interest, habits and passions between your ideal woman and you.
- Rate yourself on a scale a 1-10 on each category for how close you are to being the person who will attract that type of woman.
Step 4: Find mutual places you’d connect with your ideal woman.
- Imagine the woman who has the traits you listed above. Where does she frequent? How does she spend her time? Where do you imagine finding her?
- Make a list of events or organizations you can become involved in that explore your hobbies and expand your identity. If your list matches up, you’ll also place yourself in an environment with women that you would want to date.
Demographics affect every interaction. If there is a large mismatch of interests and passions, friction will build up. No matter how physically attractive you are, she will struggle to stay connected to you.
For example, I value intelligent and ambitious women. I’m especially attracted to those who love to dance to Latin music, who are physically fit and who appreciate traveling. This is why I salsa dance.
I regularly come in contact with the sort of women that I’m attracted to, because I’m narrowing down my demographics. This may sound like an cop out to some guys, but the end result is that I am in an environment with women that makes me happy; the chance to meet a woman who shares my experiences and values.
Our metric for success is not how many girls we can talk into liking us; our metric is maximizing happiness, to find women who truly make us happy. The type of woman you fall in love with is going to be different than the type of woman I will fall in love with. The goal is to get out into the world and explore your interests, your passions, and the communities. To expand your view of the world.
To help get you started, I’ll list off some resources I have used to explore different interests. I have also listed one main type of woman that each area attracts:
- Dance classes – Swing, Salsa, Line, Tango: these women love to express their bodies.
- Amateur Sport Leagues – Kickball, soccer, flag football: these women are competitive.
- Cooking classes – vegan, pizza, soups, or anything food: – these women have a passion for food, might qualify as “foodies.”
- Charities, and charity events are an awesome way to meet nice people. This group includes volunteer missions – animal (Paws), Kids (big brother, big sister), and mission trips: these attract community-driven women.
- Churches – spiritual women.
- Concerts – Women who are passionate about music and live shows.
- Clubs – it’s possible to become a club promoter. These attract women who love to party hard.
- Yoga classes– fit women. These environments have a high female-to-male ratio.
- Meditation courses and retreats: you’ll find health conscious women, and spiritual women.
- Crossfit gyms: fit and competitive women hang out here.
- Self-help seminars and educational programs: women seeking to improve themselves (I’ve found this to generally be women over the age of thirty).
- Travel groups: these are filled with women who love to explore. Many of them are financially conscious and save their money for trips around the world
- Educational classes: women who take these love to learn. This can be a wide variety, from arts and crafts to foreign languages.
- Dog parks: women who love animals.
- Wine and beer tastings: women who love to chill, and enjoy the flavors of life.
- Art galleries: artists, admirers of creative people, and deep thinkers.
- Business networking events: ambitious women who are driven.
To find these events, check out your city’s directory for upcoming events. There are many good online resources as well, such as Meetup.com, Livingsocial.com, Facebook, and Linkedin.
By deliberately choosing your environments, you are actively building your identity instead of sitting at home in the dark wondering “Who am I?” The goal is to go out and do things.
The tribes you join or create play a huge role in how you feel about yourself and the type of women you will attract. If you’re in a context where your ideas are constantly threatened, you’ll feel like you are swimming upriver. You’ll start to doubt yourself. But if you are among people who share your interests, they’ll reinforce your identity with positive feedback.
Imagine that you’re hanging out with a group of people who tell you that your taste in music is crap. How will you feel? Think of all the time you’ve spent listening to that music. Even if you have a strong identity, over time you’ll eventually break down and question yourself.
You’ll fledge to the social norm of the group, rather than hold on to the things you enjoy by finding communities that support that. No matter what you are interested in, there will always be those people out there who will never understand what you appreciate. There will always be people that just don’t care, and that is not your problem.
Now, imagine placing yourself in an environment that reinforces your identity. Imagine that it encourages you to become a better rock climber, writer, or cook. You’re going to have a higher chance of success in expanding that identity and really caring about it.
The last point I’ll make here is that confidence with the opposite gender is contextual. Some guys are really comfortable playing sports and joking around with girls on their team. Other guys are more confident drinking coffee and goofing around while looking at artwork.
Your confidence, the type of women you attract, and the type of person you are is contextual. Demographics matter. Don’t become a super-social robot who can bond with everyone. Find your tribe, find people who invest and care about the things you care about. In the process of doing so, there is a high probability you will find a woman that will truly make you happy.
Latest posts by Kyle Benson (see all)
- 5 Steps to Inspire Your Partner to Join You in Attending Couples Therapy - December 5, 2019
- How to Avoid the Relationship Rollercoaster [Interview] - November 7, 2019
- The Conflict Escalator: The ABCs of Escalating Conflict - October 24, 2019